How to Talk to Your Kids About Substances: a Practical, Age-Appropriate Guide for Parents

by Barbara Bessette, CPS

Talking to your children about substances, whether it is alcohol, tobacco, vaping, cannabis, prescription medications, or illegal drugs, can feel overwhelming. You may worry about saying the wrong thing, making your child curious, or triggering defensiveness. According to SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration), kids who have open, ongoing conversations with their parents about substances are significantly less likely to experiment or develop problematic use. The key is not one big talk, but many small, age-appropriate conversations that build trust and decision-making skills over time.

Why Talking Early and Often Matters

Youth are exposed to messages about substances long before we as parents expect them to be. Even preschoolers may see adults drinking at gatherings, advertisements for beer on TV, or vaping devices in public spaces. By the time kids reach middle school, many have classmates or online influencers who talk about or display substance use casually. Having open and honest discussions early does several things:

• Normalize Communication: Children learn that they can discuss challenging topics with you without fear of judgment.
• Build Knowledge: Instead of learning from peers or the media, they receive clear and accurate information.
• Form Values: Children look to parents for guidance on right and wrong, especially when messages elsewhere are conflicting.
• Create Protective Factors: Strong parent-child relationships, good decision-making skills, and thoughtful boundaries significantly reduce risk.

Remember, the goal is to empower kids with understanding and confidence, not to scare them.

Understanding our Role as the Parent

We often underestimate their influence. Even teens, who may seem uninterested in parental guidance, consistently report that parents’ opinions matter more than peers’ when it comes to avoiding substances.

Parents’ role includes:

• Being a reliable source of information
• Modeling healthy behaviors
• Setting realistic expectations
• Keeping communication open

What they see is as important as what is said. If you drink alcohol or use substances responsibly, talk about your choices in context, why you avoid driving afterward, why it’s legal for adults but unsafe for children, or why moderation matters.

Age-by-Age Guidance

Preschool and Early Elementary (Ages 3–7)

Kids this age understand basic health concepts but not complex risks. Keep things simple.

How to talk:

Use everyday situations, such as medicine time, someone smoking nearby, or advertisements, to start small conversations.

Explain that some things help your body and others can hurt it.

Use straightforward language:

• “Cigarettes can make your lungs sick.”
• “Medicine helps when a doctor says you need it, but it can hurt if you take it when you’re not supposed to.”

What to avoid:

• Avoid graphic descriptions or fear-based explanations.
• Don’t underestimate their awareness of substance use.

Your goal: Build a foundation for health and safety awareness.

Tweens (Ages 8–12)

During the crucial preteen years, kids increasingly confront peer pressure, social status, and media influence, making this a pivotal developmental stage where they form identities and values.

How to talk:

• Use open-ended questions:

“What have you heard about vaping at school?”

“Why do you think kids try alcohol?”

Reinforce facts in clear, age-appropriate ways. At this age, kids appreciate information, not lectures.

Discuss how substances affect brain development, sports performance, mood, academic success, and judgment.

Important strategies:

• Provide instruction on how to say no effectively.

“If someone offers you something, you can say, ‘Nah, I don’t want that,’ and change the subject.”

Role-play situations together.

Talk about media influence and why influencers may promote vaping or alcohol.

Your goal: Build critical thinking, confidence, and communication skills before experimentation typically begins.

Teens (Ages 13–18)

Teens naturally seek more independence and autonomy, so your conversations with them should evolve to reflect that.

How to talk:

• Approach discussions with respect and calm curiosity.
• Acknowledge the real pressures they face. Teens shut down when parents dismiss their experiences.

Instead of giving orders, discuss decision-making and natural consequences:

“How would using this affect your goals?”

“What would you do if you were at a party and someone offered you something?”

Set Clear Expectations:

Research consistently shows that teens are less likely to use substances when parents:

• Set firm but reasonable boundaries
• Communicate expectations clearly
• Enforce consequences consistently and fairly

Be explicit about your rules and the reasons behind them.

Your goal: Support autonomy while reinforcing safety, boundaries, and responsible decision-making.

Key Principles for All Ages

1. Keep the Conversation Going

Make discussions ongoing, not one-time events. Brief, natural moments often work best, for example, during car rides, after seeing something on TV, or after a school event.

2. Listen More Than You Talk

If you jump straight into lecturing, kids may shut down. Instead:

• Ask questions
• Show genuine interest
• Validate their feelings

Listening helps you understand what they actually need.

3. Stay Calm and Nonjudgmental

If a child admits to trying something, your reaction matters more than the information itself. A calm response keeps the door open:

“Thank you for telling me. Let’s talk about what happened and how you felt.”

4. Use Real Facts, Not Scare Tactics

Fear-based messages often backfire. Kids need realistic information:

• How substances affect the body and brain
• How decisions can impact academics, sports, and relationships
• Why some kids may try substances despite risks

Be prepared to correct misinformation from peers, movies, games, or social media.

5. Model Healthy Coping Skills

Kids watch how adults handle stress. If you cope with frustration through healthy strategies, such as exercise, talking it out, or engaging in hobbies, they learn that substances aren’t needed to regulate emotions.

6. Know Your Child’s Environment

Stay engaged with:

• Their friends
• Their online world
• Their school culture
• Their extracurriculars

Awareness helps you anticipate challenges and stay supportive.

Handling Difficult Situations and Questions

If your child asks about your own past substance use:

You don’t need to share every detail. Offer honesty without glamorizing:

“I made some choices I wouldn’t make today because I understand more now. My job is to help you stay safe and make healthy decisions.”

If you discover they’ve experimented:

Approach the situation calmly:

• Focus on safety first.
• Ask open questions: “What happened? What made you curious?”
• Discuss consequences collaboratively.
• Reinforce that you’re there to help them learn and grow, not shame them.

If they refuse to talk:

Stay patient. Many kids shut down out of fear, not defiance. Keep offering openings:

“Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’m here.”

They’ll usually come back when they feel safe.

Creating a Family Plan

A family plan helps set clear expectations. It may include:

• Rules about parties, curfews, and transportation
• What to do if your child needs help (e.g., “no-questions-asked pickup policy”)
• How to handle medicines at home
• Agreement on consequences for breaking rules

Post it somewhere visible and revisit it yearly.

When to Seek Additional Support

Reach out to professionals if you notice:

• Sudden mood or behavior changes
• Declining grades
• Loss of interest in hobbies
• New friend groups and secrecy
• Physical signs like unusual smells, red eyes, or fatigue

Early support from a school counselor, pediatrician, or therapist can make a meaningful difference.

Talking to your kids about substances is not about giving a single lecture; it’s about building an environment where honesty, respect, curiosity, and safety are the norm. When we listen instead of judge, inform instead of scare, and support instead of control, kids become far better equipped to navigate peer pressure, misinformation, and the complicated world of substance use.

You don’t need perfect words. You just need to show up, stay present, and speak from a place of care. Your influence is more substantial than you think, and every conversation—no matter how small—strengthens your child’s ability to make safe, healthy choices.

For more information on talking to your kids about substance use search: Talk. They Hear You.