The Benefits of 90’s Parenting

By Melissa Wilson, LCSW

One afternoon I received a slightly startled phone call from a neighbor. She explained that there were a kid and a dog in the field between our houses, wearing a backpack and carrying what looked like a homemade bow.

“Oh yes,” I told her. “That’s my son. He’s out practicing with his homemade bow, shooting at things. Not to worry, unless of course he’s wandered onto your property instead of ours.”

“Oh, no,” she said. “He’s great. I’m just not used to seeing that.”

I had to laugh because, honestly, I could see how unusual it might look. He was fully decked out like he was heading for a month-long wilderness expedition. In reality, he was on an adventure testing out his homemade bow. He had spent several evenings constructing this bow from a broken branch, some string and an arrow crafted from a stick. In the end, he created a working model that he took out many times to practice his skills aiming, exploring, and shooting.

Part of me struggles with letting him wander so far without me, especially on these kinds of adventures. But I also know it’s exactly what he needs. Those small independent moments are where he’s learning problem solving, creativity, and confidence while figuring out manageable risks. On one of these adventures, he invited his younger sister to come along.

As I watched from our front window, they walked across the field together, talking, I found myself wishing I could hear their conversation. Was he passing down his wilderness knowledge? Were they talking about friendships? Who knows?

What I do know is that I hoped it was a moment of lasting connection between them.

They stopped partway across the field, and he pointed at something. A moment later I saw her take her turn with the handmade bow while he stood beside her, carefully helping her aim. My momma heart exploded with pride.

Watching them that afternoon, I kept thinking about how little I had done to make that happen. I hadn’t planned it, scheduled it, or suggested it. I had simply allowed the time and space for it.

That moment stayed with me, especially as I’ve been hearing more and more people talk about “parenting like it’s the 90s.” What does that actually mean? At its core, it’s a parenting philosophy that allows kids more age-appropriate freedom, encourages unstructured play, and doesn’t rely on constant supervision or planning.

For me, this idea isn’t about nostalgia or trying to recreate my childhood. It’s remembering a time when childhood felt a little less perfect and a little more free. It’s about giving kids room to experience boredom, imagination, and independence. More than anything, it’s about trusting that kids learn a lot when we step back just enough to let them explore, make mistakes, and figure things out along the way.

There’s nothing wrong with the Pinterest-worthy craft or the carefully planned playdate; those memories matter too. But the “90’s parenting” mindset is a little different. It hands them the afternoon to decide what to do with it.

Here are a few things to think about from the “90s parenting” mindset:

Independence builds confidence. It creates space for kids to try things on their own, whether it’s exploring the yard, heading out on a backyard adventure or doing something simple like pouring their own cereal. Not every activity needs to be guided by parents. Those small moments of independence often become some of the biggest learning experiences.

Boredom has value. It allows kids the time and space to figure things out for themselves. The “I’m bored” moments happen a lot, but this mindset leaves room for them to be the problem solvers instead of the parents stepping in. More often than not, they do. And when they do, they’re almost always more engaged because they created it themselves.

Kids can do hard things. It leaves room for them to navigate the hard parts, negotiating what to play, compromising on ideas and deciding who leads. These are real world skills, and each time they work through them their confidence grows a little more.

Does it take practice? Yes. Do chores need to get done? Absolutely. But when chores are done, the day is theirs. And honestly, it gives me a chance to catch my breath before following them into whatever world they’ve decided to build. Some days it works beautifully, and I get to watch them settle into their independence. Other days someone is in tears by 10 a.m. and needs a little more support. That doesn’t mean this mindset isn’t working, that’s just parenting. The give and take of being there enough, but not too much and taking in the wonder they gain on their own.

I’m not sure we’ll always get the balance exactly right; parenting rarely works that way. And part of that balance is simply knowing our kids, their developmental stage and knowing the boundaries that help them stay safe, even as they head out on their own little adventures. But we’ll keep trying. And maybe, if we are lucky, we’ll get a few more summers where our kids still want to turn a stick and a piece of string into a bow and arrow, where the backyard becomes the start of an adventure and where we remember to step back just enough to let it all unfold.