Good Enough Parenting
by Jason C. Peccia, MSC, LCPC
No one signs up to be an inadequate parent. Parents face unforeseen challenges in their lives and in the lives of their children, all the while nagged with the thought, “Am I doing this right?” At the end of most days, parents are just trying to keep up with the demands of being a parent, and at some point, many parents question their adequacy. If you’ve ever had this thought and feelings of doubt, you are not alone. There are constant invisible expectations and comparisons that seem like they can only be achieved through an impeccable parenting performance.
It is a myth that “good parents” must meet every need. Occasional crying and frustration are normal and healthy. What matters is overall love and consistency, not eliminating every problem. It is also a myth that if a parent messes up, they will hurt their child. The opposite is true. Small parental mistakes (followed by repair) teach coping skills. When children see their parents err and then make amends, they learn problem solving skills leading to increased resilience and less anxiety.
Perfect Parenting is a Myth
It simply does not exist. In fact, striving for perfect responsiveness can backfire. Recent studies highlight that both too little and too much parent-child synchrony can signal trouble. When parents notice and respond to a child’s cues (crying, anger, fear), babies learn that their parent is reliable. Such attuned responsiveness promotes trust and lays the foundation for social and emotional growth. High synchrony often means a parent is trying to “keep-up”; this is a sign of stress in the relationship and not a sign of stronger attachment. Too little synchrony can lead to insecure attachment, emotional distress, and emotional dysregulation. However, perfect parenting isn’t required. If a parent can be in tune with their child one-third of the time, children still get what they need. Consistent reasonable care beats constant hypervigilance. A child does not need a perfect parent to be a good kid and a successful human being, they need a steady parent who is present, shows up and can navigate and learn from bumps in the road. Trust, emotional regulation, and resilience are born out of being present not perfection.
What is a “Good Kid”?
There is no single checklist, but researchers equate a well-adjusted child with secure attachment and emotional health. Securely attached kids explore confidently and handle stress better. Studies have shown that children with secure attachments and supportive parents had more positive moods and better emotional self-regulation. This cannot be achieved through perfect parenting.
Seeking perfection sets a parent up to fail. There is no shortage of advice or reading material on parenting – just look at the parenting section of any bookstore. Yes, using information as a guide or starting point along with your own intuition and instinct can produce results, but there is no reason to get bogged down searching for the correct answers that don’t exist. Not every day will be the same. Some days you’ll hit a homerun, and some days will be a swing and a miss. You will learn much more from your strikeouts. When you do fall short, you can always repair it. Talk to your child, let them know that you understand that things could have been handled differently. Apologizing is not the same as admitting failure nor is it tacet permission for your child to continue to engage in undesirable behaviors. Apologizing teaches empathy and accountability and lets your child know that parenting is important to you. Showing this type of empathy lets your child know they are important to you.
Practical Tips for Responsive Parenting
- Watch and notice your child’s signals (crying, gestures, fussing). Respond with comfort or help when you can. By simply saying, “I see that you are upset” validates their feelings and experience.
- Set simple routines. Having regular schedules gives kids a sense of safety. Within routines, it is ok to shake up things purposely and mindfully. For example, allow for and promote free play, set small challenges, or have children wait. Small frustrations build patience.
- Repair gently. If you miss a queue or react sharply reconnect and apologize. Children learn resilience when parents own and fix their mistakes.
Being present doesn’t have to be difficult. Decide with your family what a decent day looks like. For example, everyone eats, some homework is completed, you share a laugh, everyone helps the family at some level, and bedtime happens. Remember, there will always be good day, bad days, and going half mad days. The goal is to be steady and keep expectations doable. When trouble does arise, keep a point of connection. If your child’s behavior does not warrant screen time or video games, a quick card game or bedtime story shows them that things will be okay. When waves are rough, keep things grounded, one chore, one connection and one kindness to yourself. Let the rest go. You can’t expect kids to roll with the waves if you can’t.
At the end of the day, if you are present and attuned to your child 50 -75% of the time, you nailed it. Don’t aim for flawlessness, aim to be a good enough parent. A little imperfection now and then actually builds a more resilient, well-adjusted child (and more relaxed parent). So, forget the 100%, be present, and enjoy being a good enough parent.