Setting the Year for Success
by Katie Harlow, LCSW
Now that summer is officially over, many parents find themselves settling into the structure and dependability of the school year while also being unsure of how to help kids continue to transition smoothly back to the school year routine. Kids also experience a mix of emotions and can be caught in a state of uncertainty during this time, needing the comfort of structure yet struggling to adjust to the day-to-day routine. Children with academic or mental health struggles such as anxiety related to academic performance or peer relationships may even dread returning to the environment that increases their discomfort.
We know that structure and routine are important because they bring a sense of safety and dependability to our lives and solve a common fear: that of the unknown. Developmentally appropriate structure allows children to learn to constructively regulate and manage their emotions and behaviors. Which is to say that structure should grow and change as children grow and change to best support their development. A return to the school year also means a decrease in freedom that is often given during the summer and an increase in rules, expectations, and adult control over children’s lives. Teens especially tend to constantly be on the prowl for more freedom, and more opportunities to control their lives and environments. This time of life looks different child by child and family by family.
In an ideal world, changes such as these would happen seamlessly, but here in the real world we know it often doesn’t. As much as people crave the dependability of routine, we tend to also be resistant to change, which can make for some frustrating and stressful mornings trying to get kids out the door and to school on time. Feeling this stress might lead to yelling at our kids or constantly prompting them to “Hurry up!” This creates a negative start to the day as everyone leaves the house feeling hurried and frustrated, plus these kinds of mornings usually follow up with a nice side of parental guilt. Rather than starting mornings off this way, wouldn’t it be nice for both parents and children to start the day calm, organized and on time? Sound too good to be true? There is no magic wand to guarantee there will never be another rushed or frustrating morning, but we can help kids start their school year off successfully by identifying where they need help implementing structure and routine, and by preparing them for the changes.
Begin by thinking about each child and what is usually the hang up for getting them out the door smoothly each morning. Are they slow to wake up, so they end up running late each day, or do they run around the house trying to gather their belongings or practice gear so they are ready for the day? Identifying where they struggle to be prepared will help support their growth and development in becoming more independent and having more successful mornings.
If a child struggles to wake up and get going in the morning, try setting multiple alarms so that he or she is able to gradually wake up with the final alarm giving a cushion of time to get ready and out the door on time. Include them in this plan so they are able to participate in identifying what will work for them and learn these skills to use as they grow older.
If they never seem to know where their clothes, shoes, homework, lunch, and other items are in the mornings then think about helping them learn organizational skills. This can be as simple as a younger child planning their clothing the night before, or more complex like teaching a teen to utilize technology in a beneficial manner, using the calendar features on their phone for example. These are all small tools to help children succeed. Teaching these skills in age-appropriate ways will help kids build independence and a mastery of new skills. This also builds feelings of competence in children and supports their growth and development towards increased independence as they grow older.
Beginning to build in routines such as getting backpacks ready or making lunches the night before will help mornings to feel less harried and rushed by eliminating the inevitable search of the house for a lost shoe or homework folder. By gradually and consistently building in these tasks or increasing their complexity, they will become routine, which will greatly reduce the potential for power struggles within parent-child relationships as these become just normal things that the family does each day.
Have a discussion with the child about their feelings about getting back to school. If left unaddressed, negative emotions about school may come out as frustration or resistance to attending school in the morning, and let’s be honest, that is the least likely time that we can stop what we are doing to help them process their emotions! Having these conversations ahead of time might provide some valuable information about the child. Do they dislike their new teacher? Dread having to take a certain class or see a certain person each day? Scared to be away from mom or dad all day? This allows the opportunity to validate their feelings and potentially solve problems with them. This can also be a great time to normalize feelings of worry they may have; it is natural and healthy to have anxiety about new experiences. Creating connecting moments when emotions are not running high help to create a sense of safety for children, as well as reinforce that mom or dad is a positive support and can also be turned to when they are struggling. As the school year progresses, conversations can naturally transition to talking about their day. Ask specific questions that can’t be answered with a blanket “fine” or “good” such as, “who did you eat lunch with today” or “what was the best and/or worst part of your day?”
We also need to consider our own emotions about the return to school. Do we have feelings of apprehension or worry for our child’s transition? If so remember that our children pick up on what we feel and how we manage our emotions and behaviors. Being able to acknowledge emotions such as anxiety or frustration and then regulate ourselves using healthy coping skills- such as deep breathing or taking a five-minute break shows kids that we can experience difficult emotions and be okay with them. These skills benefit both children and parents; it is vital that we are able to care for our own needs as well as teach these important skills to our children.
Finally, keep in mind that no matter how prepared things are, there will be days that don’t go as planned; days when the alarm doesn’t go off or someone is missing a shoe; days where patience is running thin and we yell or hurry the kids out the door, and everyone leaves the house looking like thunder clouds. No one is a perfect parent. View days like this as opportunities to teach children about repair. Sit down with them that evening and talk about what didn’t go well that morning and own up to our part in the breakdown. Teaching our children that we also make mistakes and we can take accountability for our mistakes is an extremely valuable lesson. Engaging them in problem solving and what can be done differently in the future by everyone in the house will create a sense of connection and reinforce that there is not an expectation for them to be perfect kids.